Not So Merry

What a Christmas. This has to be the most depressing and crazy holiday yet. Depressing because of the financial situation. We had no tree and barely any decor. At the last second on xmas eve I put up my little blue tinsel tree that usually goes to work in my office. The office had no decor this year, adding to my blue holiday mood and ongoing creative slump.

Mike and I went to Baltimore with my parents to visit my grandmother, which was nice. Although by the end I was about ready to strangulate my mother, who was really getting on my nerves visa-vi the "Extreme Annoyance Theorem"

definition: When you spend waaay too much time with someone and begin to get annoyed by everything they do and say.

We got back Christmas eve and headed out to a party. That should have cheered me up, but being around all the decor and presents, and being given a nice present when I couldn't provide one in return - that was difficult, but I was thankful at the same time, if that makes any sense.

I know this all has nothing to do with my house, per say. But it does. It really brings into focus all the undone projects, all the unfinished work, and of course all the money. My family, knowing all this, was very generous to us. However, I feel like I need to save all that for hard times ahead and for paying bills.

Knowing myself, though, I'll probably end up spending it. There's a million things I could put that money to. I'd like to buy the hardwood floors or a new mattress or a new fridge, or lumber for the farmer's porch.... but all those things would have to be partially financed, and I just can't do that right now. Not even partially.

There's a million little things I could spend it on - the stuff to finish the stairway and upstairs. A new dresser for Mike. New dinnerware. French doors. A new front door.

Or I could blow it all pointlessly on a new HDTV, clothes, car parts, a terabite of storage, shoes, polka dot luggage sets, or nick-nacs....mmmm, nick-nacs.

So once again I'm caught between what I know I should do and what I want to do.... but in this case, there's so many "wants to dos" that I should compare it more to being chased and tackled by an angry mob of "should dos" and "wants to dos"!

And all the while I think about all the goals I'm missing out on, worry about all the bills I used to handle with ease, and wonder if checks will come in on time.